There are many ways to describe the herb spawned by Satan himself. The Evil Weed. Chinese Parsley. Satan’s Weed. Or its more common names, Cilantro or Coriander.
It is the herb that divides the culinary populace like no other. Sure, you may not be a fan favourite of thyme, or basil, or oregano, or many other common herbs. There is a difference that cannot be ignored.
None of these other tasty herbs brings you to the verge of facial expressions of inedible regret like your mother just washed your mouth out with a bar of Cusson’s Imperial Lather.
It has been left unsaid for too long. The crisis of coriander must be addressed and work towards a worldwide ban. It needs to start today before we find ourselves at the point of no return.
This isn’t just an opinion, I have conducted extensive research to support this article. It took me ages to find a weedy looking image of a coriander crop.
Banned Importing of Cilantro to the USA
If you are not convinced that The Devil’s Herb should be banned, the FDA in America banned the importation of cilantro in 2015. Yes, it took me a while to locate such evidence. It is also true that it was because of contamination sourced from one country with farms that had no toilets for workers. But it in no way makes the fact less true that the importing of Coriander to the USA was banned.
I clearly put too much time into researching the banning of importing Cilantro so I decided to call it a day and cease this research. As a result, I can neither confirm nor deny if such bans are still in place. I suspect it is as there are easier ways to source soap.
It Tastes Like Soap
This is a true world crisis. The science supports the evil weed’s distasteful effect on otherwise culinary excellence. If you are of Caucasian descent then you are more than 5 times more likely to be afflicted by this scourge than those of Middle Eastern descent, and more than 4 times more than Hispanics.
Surprisingly, those of East Asian descent are 7 times more likely than Middle Eastern to experience the foul leaf, yet it is in Asian cuisine where Chinese Parsley is frequently used (more South Asian cuisine rather than East Asian cuisine but I want to prove my point so I’m selecting the generalisation methodology).
The science says that the leaf of the coriandrum sativum plant has “purported health benefits” (note, not proven, only purported). Comparing the DNA of coriander haters to those who claim to enjoy coriander, it comes down to a genetic variation.
A group of compounds known as aldehydes can be described as soapy, pungent, stinky, bitter, and generally foul, whereas others insist on using words like ‘fruity’, ” and ‘green’.
To put it simply, olfaction is mediated by olfactory receptor neurons, which utilize a G-protein mechanism to transmit information about an odorant through the olfactory bulb to the olfactory cortex. If you carry one of the eight genes near the SNP with identifying codes for a receptor called OR6A2… you taste soapy stink bugs in your chicken noodle soup when it is sprinkled with coriander.
Fun Fact: What does coriander infused soap smell like? Answer: Soap.
World Coriander Crisis
OK, so the science stacks up. I haven’t found (nor looked) for contradictory evidence. Still, you may ask how can coriander be a world crisis? Global climate change is a threat to humanity to survive what could inevitably kill the planet we live on. Yet, there are scientists who have found it more important to study how coriander plagues our plates.
Further, when I received my first bar of Imperial Lather I learnt quickly and didn’t experience it too many times afterwards (4-5 per year, tops). The world is not learning its lesson with coriander. In spite of Satan’s Weed finding its way into all sorts of things, in a continuing expansion of products that just don’t need it. Who needs coriander in a coconut curry sauce for crying out loud?
Eco-Friendly Alternatives to Fossil Herbs
There was a time when flavour was enhanced with a more tasteful selection of herbs. When did we decide that basil, a herb that has served us well for countless centuries (I didn’t have time to count them with all the research I was doing), can be replaced by the evil weed?
Our reliance on fossil herbs like cilantro needs to be reversed and return to more natural, renewable herbs like basil. Basil is fresh, easy to grow, and doesn’t come with a distasteful realisation that someone has slipped in a bit of basil in your Spaghetti Bolognese.
Recipes can be improved by simply deleting the Devil’s Herb from the ingredients, Pork in Five Spice Blend Soup recipe is an example of someone (may have been me) doing just that.
World Anti-Coriander Movement
There is nothing more validating than finding a select group of people supporting the point you are trying to make. Better still, finding a select group with famous people supporting it too.
Starting as a Facebook group, I Hate Coriander has attracted over a quarter of a million people. I could say over 250 thousand but I want to use the word ‘million’ to sound more impressive.
We all know Facebook does not support hate pages. It says a lot that this policy is overlooked because Facebook recognises its importance for the world. It has been rumoured that Donald Trump once posted that he likes coriander. I tried to verify this rumour but his Facebook account has been banned. Coincidence?
Now, we all know that just having a Facebook page doesn’t make it real. But I assure you they are, they have an actual website too. At https://ihatecoriander.org/ you can find a little bit of information about hating coriander, mostly from their Facebook page, and lots of merchandise you can buy to show your support for the I Hate Coriander movement.
The website shows either that the movement is a legitimate and powerful force established to better the world by doing their part in eradicating coriander, or they have found a niche to make a buck. I don’t think I need to say which one it is.
Famous Supporters of I Hate Coriander
So who are the famous people who are members? Like how many centuries basil has been used for, I got bored… I mean I ran out of time with all the research. I suspect many celebrities are worried about prejudice and public shaming that can still occur today when someone admits they are part of the movement.
There are famous people though, I promise you. For example, there is Shannon Noll. I think he sang “What about me?” because he copped an unexpected garnish of coriander the week prior.
There is also Brent Brian from Moreton Bay Websites. He is famous because he wrote this (it’s me) and you are reading it. Another famous member is Andy Walker from Walker Certification. He’s famous too because he supplied some homebrew beer that was popular at my wedding.
Until True Freedom Is Found
Whether you call it The Devil’s Herb, Chinese Parsley, The Evil Weed, Coriander or Cilantro, there is no denying it divides the world.
The science is real, the genes are real, Cusson’s Imperial Lather is real, Andy, Brent and Shannon are real. Coriander tastes like soap is real. Until we recognise that true freedom is dining without the fear of coriander in the dish you ordered, and that opinions are divided into those who like coriander and those who are correct, we have to learn to live with each other.
As someone famous once said shortly before finishing this article, “If you have to hate something, hate coriander. I do.”.
